Moonspun Spins

Back in September I wrote about two men in my past who were going through divorces, one my college boyfriend and the other a former colleague , SB, with whom  I had a brief relationship.

I could probably do a whole post on SB….and the background of our tryst, but that’s not really the point for me today. And honestly, it’s probably not particularly compelling. Suffice to say that he had several chances to be with me and decided for his own reasons to stay with his wife.  After 8 years of marriage and a 5 year (yes  year) hiatus without sex, his wife decided to leave him.  No one who knows them was surprised, it was a long time in coming. As I have said before, RP thinks SB is a coward for staying and waiting it out if he was really that unhappy.

When SB first called a few weeks ago to tell me about his wife leaving, I knew he was looking for a friend. I listened, said comforting things like “of course you are not washed up at 39″ and “yes I know there is grieving process and it’s hard” and all that good friend stuff.

And then he said it…though he tried to be casual and subtle, it was anything but…”How are you and RP getting along?” Oh boy, I thought, wait until I tell RP about this! “Famously” I replied honestly, “he is a great husband and my best friend.” Through the phone I could hear SB deflate.

I knew we were headed for another conversation when I saw his facebook status the other day that said “divorce papers filed.” RP and I came home to a message from SB on our answering machine.  I didn’t call him back because Tuesday nights are a ‘must-post’ for my master’s program. The next night he pops up on my facebook chat…”You didn’t call” the words, I am sure, are as accusing in tone as they look. “No I didn’t,” I reply, “I couldn’t have given you the attention you needed with my schoolwork.”

Let me stop right there and say that there is a long list of friends and family for whom I’d have stopped everything to call, homework be damned. SB, I realized, was not one of them.

I inquire if he is ok and he says yes. And then it comes.

“I miss you” the words blink on my screen and I sigh, reading them to RP.

“Remember that breezy night?” New words appear in the chatbox. “yes I do” I say “but that was a lifetime ago for me.” (this refers to a night not long before I left to move to Vermont when for the last time he made his choice, but was sorely tempted by my seductive qualities)

“I think about it all the time now, I’ll  never forget it.”

I replied with a “I just don’t know what to say about that” and reassured him that he would find a woman someday that would be right for him.

Now I have a great memory for most things and I could probably tell you when and where and how SB and I did…well… all the things we did. But, as I was trying to explain to RP last night, thinking about them is only two-dimensional for me. In the past I might have felt a pang of…well, regret, or hope, or longing or something….when SB wanted to go down memory lane. My heart would have done a “what if” sigh….

I do know, although I am not sure that it is pertinent, that even if SB and I had gotten together, it would never have lasted. We may  have had the great sex that he was looking for, but the rest of it would not have fulfilled me long-term. I may have killed him in a year and Psycho-Mom and Tattooed Dad may have  helped me. And in the end, I’d still have found my way somehow to RP.

It’s funny how memories can trigger or not trigger your emotions and thoughts. I can’t take responsibility for the past choices that SB made that he clearly regrets. I can’t hold the memories with him anymore in the way that he wants.  If he feels sorry now that he missed his chance(s) to be with me, then that’s really his problem. It’s not mine.

All this reminds me of a great song by Jo Dee Messina called “My give a dam’s busted.”

Here is a excerpt from the song that is very appropriate to how I feel about the SB situation.

“My give-a-damn’s busted.

I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin’.
Let me dig a little deeper:.
No, still nothin’.”

Anything busted for you today?