Moonspun Spins

“oh my love….” RP sighed and walked into the bathroom this morning as I was getting out of the shower  and he spoke in a defeated tone.

“What happened?” I inquired.

“My brother sent an e-mail and I….” he trailed off and wasn’t sure what to say. My normally calm and easy-going husband was disappointed by the reaction of his siblings and I can’t blame  him.

You see, we have been trying to plan a surprise birthday party for RP’s dad, who turned 75 in September. I’ll admit that it was my idea back in August after we came back from our summer vacation with him. We will be back in Ohio for Thanksgiving this year since that is the holidays when we have the girls. So why not try to plan something when we are there?

From the get-go RP and I have meet with resistance of all kinds, big and small from his brother and two sisters. Luckily cold-fish sister-in-law (the wife of RP’s brother) was taken out of the discussion mix a while ago. But I remain in because after all 1) the party was my idea and 2) RP and I are doing much of the work.

In hindsight RP and I should have told them all a long time ago to to screw and that we would take care of everything. We shouldn’t have asked for their opinion or solicited their help in any way. Ah, but it’s too late for that. And now here we are just a few weeks from the proposed date of said party and we are just now getting addresses for the invites!

A couple weeks ago, after yet another round of frustrating e-mails from his siblings in which they (imho) reveal the fact they live life without children and little thought for others, I remember RP’s dad, RB, talking this summer about a surprise anniversary party that had been thrown for him and RP’s mom years ago. Confused about  his siblings behavior now given they have done this before, I ask  RP who planned that party.

“Oh” he said casually, “EE and I did. My siblings didn’t do much then either.”

I start laughing maniacally to myself and say “Why did you tell me that???” Instead of being mad, I just had to giggle. It explained alot.

But the straw that has broken my poor husband’s spirit this morning is the latest in the round of discussions about a gift. Said siblings wanted to say that gifts were not necessary and leave it at that. RP and I wanted to make an option for guests to contribute to a naming opportunity (you know a bench or something) at their summer home. To say that it sparked a round of passionate discussion on e-mail is an understatement. Yesterday I just had to plug in my two-cents and say respectfully that I thought not giving guests a direction or an option was disrespectful and unfair to them. It deprives them of an opportunity to honor RB in a way he’d love and that they could choose. Well, RP’s sibling outvoted him (they didn’t give me a vote at all). And what upsets us both is the reasons laid out for why it wasn’t appropriate were so close-minded and so worried about what people would think and what they thought was appropriate, that it truly (imho) gave no thought to RB or the guests. I was stunned and I know RP feels defeated and said. And I can’t  help but think that RB would be very disappointed at how his kids are behaving, it doesn’t seem like what he’d expect of them at all, let alone how he raised them. But as “just” the daughter-in-law, I’ll keep my mouth shut.

Now I have to say outside of cold-fish-sister-in-law, I actually like RP’s siblings and the couple times a year I see them we get along well. But I worry about how they live their lives so concerned about what other people think…I wonder about how unhappy that must make them inside. It must be so stifling.

I actually started making the invitation last night and in response to this morning’s e-mails  simply asked which of the three of them was going to be the point person for RSVP’s because RP is taking himself out of that piece. In hindsight, RP just should have made the party our own, but hindsight is 20/20 now isn’t it?